I am returning to the blog world....

Yes I am back, I know it has been since October but I needed a break from it all.
My FET in December produced yet another BFP and with that another loss. The quality of my embryos I believe was the issue this time. They were 4 and 6 celled both grade 4. So not looking good. My HCG level started out at 15, then 16, 44 then capped at 80 when it should have been 200-400. So they think it was a possible ectopic. So on to another fresh IVF. This time around it was easier due to my weight loss. I am only down 55lbs thanks to all the meds they keep feeding me I have stalled, but I will take it BMI at RE's offfce 27.3 almost 10 pts down from my last one.

My fresh IVF yielded 19 eggs retrieved, 15 mature, 14 went on to fertilize and I was left with 10 to transfer. But there was a surprise this time around. At the time of my transfer I was told only three made it to freezing so I was disappointed. I was also told that the other 7 were left to grow and to see what would happen. They transfered 2 8 celled grade 1 & 2 embies on day 3. 11 days later BFN... I was actually O.K because it was a BFN not BFP that would end. So in setting up my next FET which will be June 9th. I was told that out of the 7 left to culture 5 of them went on to become Blastocysts!! My RE said my chances were very slim on having any blasts when we discussed doing a 5 day vs a 3 day transfer... HA I say HA!! So that is what I will be transferring 2 blastocysts. I am on my protocol meds estrogen and lurpon to prepare my body, this time is a little different longer protocol but shorter wait time to preg test.

So due to a little drama on a ttc board I belong to I have decided to blog again, because it seems that you cannot voice your thoughts there without someone attacking you. A good friend of mine on that board spoke up about being considerate and sensitive about pg talk and basically got flamed for it. I mean it is a TTC board afterall so feelings are very raw. Every one is going through something different and handle things in their own way, whether it be a m/c, failed IVF, canceled IVF or overstimming etc, we all deal differently.

Some girls are very supportive they post to everyone and give help and advice, and then there are those who joined, do their IVF without posting more than a handful of times and barge in to announce "IT worked!!" and leave. WTF I mean no Hey thanks for all the help/advice? I mean even if you are a lurker you can't say "I know I don't post much but wanted to give a shout out to every one's help even if it was indirect" I guess society has become all for one none for all. I got what I needed thanks see ya.

Then there was the debate on a "warning" I know that is a horrible word to use to describe a pg , but when you are on a TTC board and some one updates with a bfp and then goes on and to say my u/s went great here is a photo and turns the post all about a pg, why not just put **PG talk** that way if you are not ready to read about it you don't have to. WHAT IS SO HARD ABOUT IT????? There were girls who actually said they refused to do it, why??? Don't you remember what it was like to hear constantly about someone in real life not the online world where you can log out go one and on about pg???? It is the same thing. Only I wish I can have that IRL person say hey I am going to mention my pg is that ok or are you not ready to talk about it?

This brings me to another subject loss.... I know we all don't want to go there but I feel we have to. There was a poster on that particular thread that made it a point to criticize my friend on how she is dealing with a very raw and painful loss but has managed the courage to speak about it in such a beautiful way that honors her child in way that will keep their memory alive. This poster goes on to mention how she has had losses but is very vague in details, and yet she criticizes those who have gone through loss??? I think she is just one of those people that looks for trouble she claims she was part of this thread but I don't remember her and I have been a member for a very long time. I have started my own thread there for us "vets" so that we can avoid the pg talk and baby dust spreading cheer, because for me I don't have the positivity that someone new has to this IF world.

I do not go around saying how horrible IF is and IVF is not a gurantee either I just give encouragement and advice when asked I keep those other deep dark thoughts to myself or voice them on the other board. But this person felt to bring my name into the drama on a board I lurk on as I really don't have anything to say. Why? She says she lurks on the other board then why not post there? Is she afraid she won't have anyone stick up for her???? Maybe if she had valid points and not attack people for asking to use common courtesy and consideration for others feelings she would be welcomed. That is all I have to say on that matter.

With that IF takes people to a deep dark place. I am there now. I want to be the person I was before all this happened to me. But IF robbed me of that, my sense of SELF.
I had a love for life, I had faith, I had a plan. That was all taken from me on 04/08/08 the date of my first loss, then again 08/09/09 and then again 12/24/08. As well all the countless times I have cried myself to sleep, in the shower, in the car, my tears not of joy but of sadness, by myself so my sweet DH would not be brought to this place with me. Only to get reminded with announce of pg of people of what I do not have.