1 Down 3 to go!

Well as the title says 1 test down 3 more to go. Today as a matter of fact!

I admit I am scared. One that the Re's nurse mislead me to the fact that I really got AF last week, and it wasn't strong enough to clean everything out again and I will need a repeat shg again. Ugh that is why I called to make sure (last time I didn't). Two I need to have an endometrial biopsy to check for inflammation, 3 I am scared if they do find something it will be horrible. But see that is part of my whole anxiety problem I think the worst so that way there is no hope to get in the way. I am going this afternoon for the swabbing, the shg and the e/b. Maybe just maybe they will have some of the test results back from the all those vials they took from me last Saturday! That would be great. Yep I had 9 vials taken, 4 of them really big. DH had to go as well, but he only had one tube taken NO FAIR.....

Part of me wants to know why this is happening to me what did I do, o.k we did to deserve this? Yes I know it could be worse, but I don't know what the results are yet. DH talked to me last week about fostering children, honestly I really don't think I can handle it. I feel I couldn't give myself fully to the needs of the children because I am so focused on the TTC part it wouldn't be fair, DH says I need to not focus so hard on that and I need to get a life other than the trying so hard life. But to me I want to give him a biological child. It takes a special person to take another child that is not yours into your home. I just don't feel that can be me. At least not me yet.

Sometimes I just want to give up on the whole TTC thing and just say we weren't meant to be parents, but something deep down tells me to keep going. Does my subconscious know something my conscious doesn't know, sounds out there I know, maybe I am crazy for thinking that way.
Then there is (I will call her d to protect her privacy) D has been through more IUI's and IVF's than I could possible imagine but recently she found out that the clinic is out of protocols for her. That's it she done there is nothing more they can do she doesn't respond to the strongest does of stimulants she gets maybe 3-4 eggs(she has only one ovary) and those eggs don't fertilize. So now D has turned to herbal medicine and will try that route for 3 months then try one last IVF with a donor egg.. Perseverance she has. Would I do that? I don't know. Thing is, and I know I will get flamed for this, is she already has 1 living child who she complains daily about not in a bad way but that she is spoiled, talks back and is a handful. So why have another? This is her response, because she is asking me for one. So my question which I asked her was " Are you going through all this for your daughter because SHE wants a brother or sister or are you doing it for yourself? After a long pause she says I don't want her to be an only child. So maybe I am doing it for her. Um o.k I was an only child so maybe it offended me a bit, but I don't have any major complaints just the typical only child rants when you go home there is no one else to play with and you can't blame anything on your siblings. But then again I got a lot of things maybe I wouldn't have. There are positives to both side of the argument. Oh well I guess we all have our reasons, I guess you can ask me after having 2 losses why would I want to keep going. And I will tell you again because something deep down is telling me to.